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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25664419">A Testament of Rei Ayanami in the Year 2020</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaftDunk/pseuds/PaftDunk'>PaftDunk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Diary, F/F, First Person, M/M, Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:35:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,449</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25664419</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaftDunk/pseuds/PaftDunk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of the First Child after the Third Impact. Earth is a much different place, having been changed forever by the near end of the human race. How has everything changed? How has everyone adapted?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Awakening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cold<br/>
It is cold<br/>
It is very cold</p><p>I am awake. The ceiling is unfamiliar. I do not know this place, but I have been here before. I am alone. I try to think and Commander Ikari is there. Doctor Akagi is there. It is loud. Everyone is here. It is so loud. I see everything. I am everywhere. I am everyone. I am everything. I cannot think. I cannot remember. Shinji is there. It is dark. It is quiet. I stop thinking. I am back in the room. Laying. Laying and then sitting. Tubes and wires pull as I move. Someone looks into the room. A look flashes across her face. Is it surprise? Is it disgust? I touch the wrapping on my face. Wet. Pain.</p><p>I do not like coming back. There is always less when I come back. Why did I not stay gone? Why did they not let me leave?</p><p>I am no longer alone. The woman returns with another woman. Older. She wears a coat like Doctor Akagi’s. Physician. She speaks to me. She explains to me that I was found by my friends. I listen. She explains to me that I was brought here, and that I had been here for many years. Sleeping. Sleeping. Comatose and away. Cold. I notice the tubes. I notice the bags. I notice the wires. Why did they? The doctor leaves. The nurse leaves. I am alone again. I return to sleep. Dreamless. Quiet. Formless. Dark and silent. </p><p>I open my eyes. A man stands at the foot of my bed. He wears the uniform of a Lieutenant in NERV. His face is friendly. He explains that I do not need to worry about housing or my care. He says that what he calls “old NERV” used people. He says he is here to help. I am given a computer. It is like the ones we used in school but it is chipped and worn. Broken. The man apologizes. He says it is the best they can do. Many things are broken, he says, but everyone is trying very hard to make them better every day. He tells me that I should write what I feel. He tells me that it will help me. He says that it will help me with my thoughts and make them cohesive. They have never. They will never. But I will do as I am ordered. The man leaves. I am alone. I am alone. </p><p>I write. I am writing. Tomorrow, Shinji and Soryu are meant to visit. They no longer live here and are coming from far away. Very far. I am told they are still with NERV. Their skills are valued. Their time is valued. They both left their work as soon as they heard. I believe I like them. They make me smile. I want to see them. </p><p>Cold<br/>
It is cold<br/>
It is less cold</p><p>I return to sleep</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Coming to Terms</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dark.</p><p>Formless.</p><p>It is so quiet.</p><p>I am alone. I am alone.</p><p> </p><p>I awaken. It is less cold than it was the first time. I am not as stiff. The sun hits my face. I reach up to touch it. Bandage. The smell of iodine and disinfectant. My stomach. My mouth. I lean over. The pan by my bedside. I am sick. I feel unwell. Sickening. Acid tinges stings my throat. It has been such a long time. I lean over. Tubes and wires. Tubes in my abdomen. Tubes in my arms. Wires. Wires on my chest. The beeping of the machine quickens. The pan by my bedside is full of foul acid. I stand up and my legs collapse beneath me. The beeping is so insistent. My ears are ringing. </p><p>I am no longer alone. Nurses. A doctor. It is so loud. So many strange faces in the strange room. So many faces and I am so alone with them. I am back in the bed. They are prodding. A probe is on my forehead. Their faces are concerned. I want them to leave. I want them to leave. I do not want them to be here. I want them to let me go. Please let me go. I feel the room spinning. I feel my stomach churning. My chest hurts. I am hurting. I am hurting.</p><p>I awaken. It is dark. The antiseptic white room is empty again. Almost. There is a jacket draped over the back of the chair by the door. It bears insignia. Familiar. Known. Rank: Captain. Organization: NERV. Name: Soryu, Asuka. I try to sit. My waist strains. My arms buckle. Memories of NERV’s compressed field survival training. Muscular atrophy. When is it? When is it? How long was I away? How am I still alive? Why am I still alive?</p><p>The handle on the door to my room rattles. A familiar face is in the window looking into my room. Soryu. Her face bares a smile. I know this smile. She is happy and relieved and deeply concerned all at once. This is a look I am accustomed to. It is a tired relief. Her concern is present. The door flings open and she enters with all of her enthusiasm. I have not seen her for so long. I have not seen her in what feels like a lifetime, and she is running towards me. Wordlessly, she dives towards my bed. Her arms surround me. It is warm. It is so warm. Tears. Am I crying? Her head is on my shoulder. My gown is getting wet. Her voice is unsteady. </p><p>“Wonder girl.” That is all she can say. I am smiling. I am smiling. We are both smiling and our faces are wet with tears. I do not want her to let go. I tell her this and we remain in a wordless embrace. She smells like the sea.</p><p>Her appearance has changed. She is different. She is the same. Older. Time has passed and she still regards me as though we are inseparable. I once read that people bond over hardship. We have endured so much. We must be bonded. There is a feeling in my chest and my head but I do not have the words for it. I cannot help but smile. I believe I am happy. </p><p>It takes some time for her to pull away from me. She stands and wipes the tears from her eyes. I attempt to do the same and she approaches with a tissue. “Let me get that for you, wonder girl.” She insists. I comply. As she wipes my eyes she begins to explain. Lilith returned. I was taken and used. Another Impact. SEELE called it Instrumentality. I know this. Drifting. It is like someone else’s memory infecting my mind. Something else in my mind. It is unpleasant. My veins burn at the thought. I push it away. When my attention returns, Soryu explains that people began to awaken all around the world. Many people did not return. She believes that people who do not want to return did not. Commander Ikari is gone. Major Katsuragi is gone. Why am I still here? Soryu seems uncomfortable when she speaks of people waking up. Her smile... She explains that they found me and her smile returns. I was found by Soryu and Shinji. I was on a rock by the sea. A pale form amidst a stone grey outcropping on a beach. I think of Lilith. Why?</p><p>Humanity is comprised of so few people now. An attempt was made to take a census. Institutions have mostly returned. Shinji, Soryu, and others realized that people would need to rebuild. An organized, global effort was needed. They convinced other survivors from NERV to devote their remaining resources to helping people. She is proud. She is smiling. She is so glad I am back. She says I will be so helpful and so useful. She says I will help so many people. I will if I am ordered to.</p><p>I am sitting. She pulls the chair over from across the room and sits with me. She reaches for my hand but pauses at the sight of the intravenous tube in my vein. I see her looking and offer her my other hand. “You’re more perceptive than you used to be, wonder girl.” She tells me, her smile returning. Shinji has apparently been delayed. He and Nagisa are in Old Japan. I ask her where that is and seems to dismiss it. She says she does not want to “drop everything on me.” It does not seem efficient. I do not understand her, but if she does not want to tell me then I will not force her to. We sit together. Her free hand rests on my forehead. “At least your fever’s down.” She tells me. I feel there is so much left unsaid. I do not mind. I want to tell her not to leave. Did I feel her absence? Is this longing?</p><p>Light.</p><p>There are two forms.</p><p>It is quiet and I am no longer alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. My Intercessor Is My Friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I am awake.</p><p>I am still awake.</p><p>Soryu’s hand rests in mine.</p><p>It has rested there for so long.</p><p>Earlier, a nurse came and placed a bag of sickly colored liquid on a pole by my bedside. She meant to connect it to the tube in my stomach, but Soryu looked at the nurse with a furrow in her brow. I do not think the nurse meant to offend. The thought of accepting nutrients myself had not even occurred to me. Was this how I had been fed for so many years? Soryu turned to me and asked if I might feel well enough to try some soup. I did not know. I did not think to try. She asked the nurse for some light soup. Vegetarian. Few spices. Something that I did not have to chew. Something that would not overwhelm me. She is so thoughtful. The soup helped. Now I feel less sick. My stomach does not ache. My spirit feels both lighter and more present.</p><p>Soryu has laid her jacket on my lap. I am not cold. The blanket and my gown were sufficient. I will make her jacket smell like me. I do not think she will want to carry the scent of sickness and decay with her, but she does not seem to care. Our hands remain entwined, our fingers are interlocked. It is such a relief to have someone I know here, even if our relationship had been strained the last time we were together. She must think of me so fondly. I wish I felt the same. I wish I knew how to feel the same. I wish I had the words to tell her that I appreciate her, but whenever I open my mouth, there is nothing. There is nothing and the nothing catches in my throat. My throat heaves and Soryu returns to me with her smile. It is such a caring smile. It is such a worried smile. I feel so much care and it is so unusual. People are meant to like this. Why does it feel so... Why do I feel so...</p><p>There are tears again and her gaze meets my unbandaged eye. Her grip tightens. She presses a button by my bed and a different nurse appears. They exchange words and the nurse leaves. Her attention returns to me. “I know you probably don’t want it yet, wonder girl, but I think it will help. Mama used to do something like this for me before...” She looks away. Her smile weakens before she turns back to me. “Look, Shinji’s gonna show up later and when he gets here, we’re gonna ask the doctor if you’re healthy enough yet for us to take you out for some fresh air. Sounds fun, right?” She asks. I do not even know how I feel. I do not know what healthy is like. Even when I was the first, even when I was the second, even when I was the third me; I was falling apart. I took pills to wake up. I took pills to keep my organs and my bones from decaying. I took pills to fall asleep. I never dreamed. I never felt. I do not know what health feels like. My friend wants me to go for a stroll with her and Shinji. I will do it if I am asked.</p><p>Her smile seems labored, I think. I ask her why Shinji is  away and she holds my hand tighter. She explains that not everyone who came back wanted to help. She explains that the new direction for NERV wasn’t accepted by everyone. People will always be people. As much as they love each other, they cannot help but hate. I know this. I know this when the nurses look at me and see Lilith. I tell her that she does not need to say anything more. I think she feels relief. She pats my hand. “Now,<em> bitte</em>, please... just don’t think about it for now, okay?” I will not. I tell her I will not. She opens her mouth to speak just as the nurse arrives with another soup bowl. Soryu’s smile is less forced now. She accepts the bowl and places it on the table that swings over the hospital bed. “I know you might not be able to have this yet, but I can make myself eat hospital food it it puts a smile on your face.” She says. I breathe deeply before a cough forces the air from my lungs. Soryu seems concerned but with a wave of my hand I sniff the air again. It is...</p><p>”Garlic noodles?” I ask as she pulls a long tangle of soft and springy ramen from the bowl. “Mhmm~” She replies. “Without pork! Not that there’s any pork left, but...” she blushes softly. “I made sure to ask for you.” She says as she begins to slurp. Even the smell makes me think of another time we were together. All of us. Alive. Victorious. Together. A smile stretches across my face. My jaw and cheeks feel sore but I do not care. Soryu smiles as well. A different smile. I think it is playful. “C’mon wonder girl. It isn’t all about you, you know? I just wanted dinner.” She says. It is dishonest. Her free hand guides the noodles to her mouth and she begins to gently slurp them. I do not think she enjoys them but she continues to slurp.</p><p>I am awake.</p><p>I am awake and I am happy.</p><p>Soryu’s hand is gripping very tightly, but with care.</p><p>I do not think Soryu will let my hand go for some time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Train Up A Child</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 4 Train Up A Child</p>
<p>Soryu clutches my hand. She holds it so tightly. The bowl is empty. The sun has lowered but still hangs in the sky. I cannot see much from my window. I have begun to reflect on the world outside of the familiar unfamiliar room. The linens of the hospital staff are pressed and clean, but they are worn. The sheets I lay in are overwashed and frayed. Implications. I turn to Soryu and ask how the world outside has been recovering. She tilts her head. “Well, wonder girl, they’re trying. They beat something like this before we were born. I’m sure we’ll come back.” She says to me. Her words are optimistic. Convinced. Confident. If she believes it, I will believe it. A knock on the door. A familiar face in the horizontal window. </p>
<p>It is Shinji. He does not enter. He simply waves and smiles. Soryu rolls her eyes while maintaining her smile. Teasing, yet affectionate I think. Less malice. Like before, only softer. “So formal…” She says before raising the volume of her voice. “It’s unlocked, baka!!” She calls out, prompting Shinji to enter the room. “H-hope I’m not intruding, Ayanami.” He says with a smile. He walks towards my bed and I try to speak. Soryu seizes the silence first. “Of course you aren’t intruding, Shinji. She’s only been missing us for years.” She says as Shinji stands by the bed. I want to say that I do not know how to miss. I want to say that it is like no time at all has passed. I look at him. </p>
<p>He is taller now. He wears a wrinkled khaki uniform, his name and rank patched upon it. “Well, I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. The loyalists…” His voice trails off. He thinks for a moment. He seems uncomfortable. Soryu is quick to interject. “Oh, c’mon Shinji, wonder girl doesn’t mind!” She exclaims. I smile and respond. I tell him that I am just glad to see him. He puts a hand on my shoulder. He wears a simple golden ring on his finger. He puts his other hand on Soryu’s shoulder. He does this for only a moment before taking his hands and folding them in his lap as he sits on the foot of my bed and composes himself. </p>
<p>He tells me that a lot has happened. It is apparently some time in the year 2020, although nobody knows for sure what the exact date is. To the best of their reckoning, it is mid November. The customary post Impact calendar places us on the twelfth day. He has been tasked, as pilot of the last functioning EVA unit, with fighting loyalists to SEELE. The men who controlled Commander Ikari had wide ranging influence, and the Strategic Self Defense Force was not the only armed service they controlled. While most people have been happy to rebuild, some people returned and simply did not know how. Perhaps they returned by mistake. Perhaps they did not know that the world would move on. Perhaps they did not want the world to move on. People will always be people. Always hurting. Always killing. The Loyalists could not be negotiated with and Shinji was among those at NERV who offered to help protect people. </p>
<p>Protectors. We were always meant to help. We were always meant to protect. For a moment I wonder what Shinji might do if he did not have to protect people. He is still smiling. He now chooses to help. He does so willingly, despite the burden. He is kind. “It’s a nice day, Ayanami. You can actually see my ship in the harbor from here.” He says. Soryu stands up with a smile. “C’mon, wonder girl. I’m gonna ask the doctor if we can take you outside. The fresh air will be good for ya!” She says as she quickly runs out of the room. Shinji smiles as he watches her leave. “She’s always been so enthusiastic.” He says, continuing to sit on my bed.</p>
<p>I look down at Soryu’s jacket in my lap. Was it her enthusiasm that allowed her to visit me first? Perhaps she is not as busy. Her jacket bares a unit insignia. NERV-08, London. I look up from my lap, my eyes falling upon Shinji. I do not know what to say. I do not like the silence. At last I focus on his hand. “You wear a ring now.” I say, making his cheeks run flush. “Y-yeah.” He says, trailing off as he reaches up, hiding his hand behind his head as he rubs at his neck. “K-Kaworu came back from it too. We, uh, we kinda hit it off, you know?” He says. I do not know, but I believe he is being reflexive. “We didn’t think he should come since… Well, we didn’t want to startle you too much.” I understand. I do not think he would frighten me. I do not know how I would feel to see him, but I believe I am glad he has returned. Shinji was happier when he was with us. I believe he was the only person who ever expressed his feelings towards him. “I am glad that you have found someone who can accept you, Shinji.” His smile widens, his eyes closed. The door is suddenly thrown open by Soryu. She is pushing an empty wheelchair. “Hey Shinji! Doc says we can take wonder girl out for now! Help me get her in here, will ya?” She asks. Shinji stands and nods. “Y-yeah, of course, Asuka. Rei, may I grab your shins?” He asks as Soryu walks to the head of the bed, wrapping her arms under my shoulders. It seems that this will happen regardless of my answer. I give a simple nod and they… my friends raise me and transfer me into the waiting wheelchair. My joints. There is a flaring. They do not seem to have to work very hard to lift me. A tingling throughout my extremities. Soryu. Shinji. My face winces. Involuntary. Their faces show concern. They must be very healthy. That is what I tell myself. They lay me in the chair and Soryu leans her head down, her eyes meeting mine with care. Shinji opens his mouth as if to speak. “I am fine.” I say. I have had worse. I have had worse. I have had worse. </p>
<p>I am sitting now. Composing myself. Soryu stands closely behind it and seizes the handles on its back. “C’mon, Rei! Let’s get some fresh air!” She says, her demeanor seeming to lighten. I smile. I can feel my heart beating quickly as Shinji takes the pole that contains the medicine feeding into my veins and pushes it closer, I assume to ensure it keeps pace with us. The sun is low in the sky but it does not really matter. We are going to go outside together. Together.</p>
<p>As we leave my room, I notice a man who I assume to be a doctor. He watches me as my friends push me past him. His face shows concern. He holds a thick folder. The rooms of the hospital are mostly closed. I assume they are empty. We continue down the hallway. Shinji and Soryu are talking to each other. I think they are closer now. The hallway has ended. Elevator. Shinji presses a button and a labored mechanical sound drones onward as the tired machine lurches towards us. “Last time we were on an elevator…” Soryu says. I believe her tone indicates importance. She is cut off by the chime of the arriving elevator. Shinji interjects, smiling his usual smile. “I heard this place has a rooftop garden, Rei. I think you’ll like it!” He says. Soryu nods and we enter the elevator together. I cannot wait to see the garden. I cannot wait to see the ship which Shinji took here. I cannot wait to see where I am.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Saxifraga x Urbium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The elevator is quiet. The cathode light is bright and burns my eye. The gentle humming of the tired pulley system whirs at the edge of perception. It is uncomfortable. Remembering. I tried to help.</p><p>Shinji stands next to me. Soryu behind me. I can feel her chest against my hair. I can see Shinji looking at me with kind eyes and a smile. Slight. Gentle. Mere centimeters above me, but it feels like they are towering. They have done so much. Why did I awaken? The elevator shakes to a stop and the doors lurch open. Bright. Brighter. Brighter still. My eye focuses and I am astounded. </p><p>Grey. Sky. There is a gentle cry of seagulls in the distance. Green. White with flecks of pink and purple. Planters full of a flowering plant line the rooftop. Soryu pushes me out of the elevator and towards a nearby planter. “Isn’t this a lot better than that hospital room, Rei?” She says. Her voice is light. I can almost hear her smile. Shinji followed us, pushing the IV pole behind us. He seemed to be looking around.</p><p>The flowers are beautiful. I reach out, for a moment unable to feel the pull and pain of the needles and tubes and bandages surrounding my arm and hand. I grasp a flower between my right index finger and my thumb, the stem resting between my middle and ring finger. It is a healthy, five petal bloom; vital and fragrant. All of the plants are. They are well cared for. “They are nice. I like it here.” I tell my friends. I believe they are glad to hear this.</p><p>Looking past the flowers, I try to see where we are. Grey. Black. A vast city stretches in all directions around the hospital. The early evening sun is bright enough, despite the clouds, that there are still few lights on. I can still see that more buildings are empty than not. Few cars line the streets. Purple. A sickly ribbon of partially cleaned water winds through the city. A few bridges nearly traverse it, but most are either destroyed or littered with debris. One is intact. Tall. A ruddy sandstone color. Towers. “London?” I ask. Soryu is quick to reply. “That’s right, wonder girl!” She said, patting my back with all her usual enthusiasm. It hurts but I find that I do not mind. “I guess you still know everything, huh?” She says. I do not. I know I do not. I do not know how to tell her and Shinji what... I do not know what to say to them.</p><p>Shinji stands up on a railing and points excitedly towards the river. “Rei! Look! You can see my ship from here!” He says. I follow his direction and note a small looking grey ship. It has a flat surface and has a large tower rising from its surface. “A light helicopter carrier. Class: Hyuga?” I asked. He laughed. “Well, it’s actually some old American ship. Most of the old JSSDF fleet ended up sinking.” He said. “We don’t usually keep my EVA on it, but it’s good enough for shorter sorties.” He says. He seems to be so well practiced and confident in piloting now. He at least acts like he is. Unit 00. I hope the part of me that resided inside found peace.</p><p>Soryu steps towards Shinji and asks about Unit 02’s repairs. She calls it “Mama.” She is eager. He replies at length that NERV-03 has almost finished them. They can both be pilots. What place is there for a pilot without her EVA? As they speak, Shinji’s face seems pale. “Crap. Hey, I’m sorry Rei! I really gotta go!” He says to me, bowing nervously. He runs to the elevator and leaves, with Soryu and me remaining on the rooftop.</p><p>Soryu sat next to me on a bench. Her blue eyes meet mine, her smile unwavering. “Hey, Rei. I don’t actually live very far from the hospital. Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” She asks. Her eyes are full of concern. Her gaze does not leave mine. My cheeks feel warm. I am not used to concern, even now. I look down. I do not know what to say. Even now. “Your presence is preferable to your absence.” Is all I can manage. Her smile widens as she pats my back. “That’s great, wonder girl.” She says. In time, we begin to return to the hospital room. As Soryu pushes me, I grab the IV pole and drag it alongside us. My arm is sore. It is full of tubes and needles. I can manage. With my friends, I believe I can manage anything. As we return to the elevator, the wind blows towards us, carrying the scent of flowers. I enjoy the flowers. Vibrant. Vital.</p><p>The elevator door closes and we are alone in the lift. The light is bright and intense. It is silent for a moment before Soryu begins to speak. “Y’know, Rei, I guess this is kinda like last time, huh?” She says. “I wanted to tell you... For years I wanted to tell you that... I appreciate it. I mean, it couldn’t have been easy for you. But I think you knew I was hurting. In your own way, I think you were trying to help. I really... Well, I’m really glad you’re back, you know?” She says. I do not know. I look up and back at her. She wipes at her eyes, blushing as our eyes meet. Her smile widens and her hand brushes a strand of hair from my unbandaged eye. “I am glad to be back.” I say. I do not know if this was my decision or Lilith’s, but I am beginning to realize. I think I realize why I have returned. The elevator comes to a stop and we make our way out of it. Asuka pushing me. Me pulling the IV pole. As we return to the room, the doctor approaches. His expression is drawn. Unpleasant.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Inevitable Panacea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The doctor is an old man. His face is lined with wrinkles and his hair is grayed. He has a concerned look as he sees Soryu pushing me back to my room. Returning. “Shame that other Captain couldn’t stay with you.” He says as he takes the IV pole from my grip. The medicines. I had them. I could carry. He smiles a little as he looks to Soryu. She places a hand on my shoulder. Asuka pushes me towards my room.</p><p>As we pass into the hospital room, they both help me back into my bed, being careful not to cause pain. Being careful not to strain any of the tubes. They are careful not to touch my bandages or to overextend my joints. I believe I am thankful. As I lay back into my bed and adjust my position, Soryu takes my hand. She is holding it differently. “Hey, wonder girl, the doctor here... He has something to tell you, and I don’t know how you’re gonna take it. I... I’m gonna be here for you the whole time though, okay?” Her words echo and echo. Her presence is unneeded. Whatever the doctor has to say is unimportant to her. It must be. It does not concern her health. She is uninjured as far as I can tell. </p><p>The doctor remains standing. His grimace. “Lieutenant Ayanami, I’m Doctor Roth. I’ve been your attending since Captain Soryu and the other pilots brought you in.” He says to me. The lead in, the introductions. Couching. Presentation. “Now as you know, you face certain physical challenges due to your design, and since so much of the documentation was destroyed with the cloning facilities and Geofront...” his words begin to fade. His Japanese is stilted, unnatural. I understand. I can listen. I have always found it difficult to care about myself. I was replaceable. My attention returns as I pick out a term. Organ shutdown.</p><p>”The human body just... isn’t made to be unconscious for that long. As a matter of fact, we had taken you off of life support before you woke up.” He said. My attention shifts to Soryu. Why? She is looking away. Her grip is tightening. “We can’t really do much more to keep what you have working, and we aren’t really sure what Tokyo 3’s staff were doing to keep everything running. We have you on the full battery of drugs we can still make, but...” My perception is spinning. I thought this was what I wanted. Tears are streaming from Asuka’s eyes. Her free hand is gripping her chair. I can see the hard plastic arm rest flexing in her grip. “You don’t have long. I’m so sorry.” He says. The room is silent. The room is silent. I can hear the public address system. I can hear audio monitors and chimes. A medical cacophony in my room. A tissue arrives at my cheek.</p><p>It is Soryu. She dabs the paper tissue against the cheek below my unbandaged eye. I see a smile on her face. It is strained and forced and brave. The doctor looks at us. “I’m gonna leave you two alone. If you need me for anything, page the nurses and ask.” He says as he stands and leaves the room. Soryu continues to wipe my cheek, a hand rising to touch my cheek as she climbs from her chair, a knee bared into the mattress next to me.</p><p>”Wonder girl... the last time my hand touched this cheek, it was to slap you silly.” She said. Her voice wavers. “That kinda stayed with me for years. I was brash and pissed off and... and...” She draws closer. She is silent and her arms wrap around me. My arms and legs shake. Burning in my unhealed eye. Salt. Saline. Without thinking, a hand is placed on her back. My hand. “And I. I. We... Shinji and me, we brought you here when we woke up. London has the best remaining hospital. And... and I didn’t want to leave you here alone, so I... I transferred. It’s... Ah, damn, wonder girl. I just. I needed to know you were okay, you know?”</p><p>I am speechless. I care for her. Years ago. Years. We shared our victories together. Our defeats. Years ago. When we heard how they found her. When I saw the bandages on the inside of her arm. I knew. I understood I wanted to help. We cannot relate in words the things we feel in our hearts. Neither. Years ago, as fresh as yesterday. What is this feeling? Why am I so lost? Is this what it feels like when you are needed?</p><p>I want to speak. I want to ask so many things. I want to say what I am feeling and tell her but I do not even know what I feel. My shattered mind is spinning. My heart rate seems faster. I do not want to die. I do not want to die? </p><p>“Asuka.” It is all I can say. She pulls away from me and blinks. Her jaw is relaxed and her eyes are wide. I am curious. This expression is unwarranted, unless. “Rei...” She seems confused. She wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my shoulder. I do not know what I have done. Is she still unable to understand? It is doubtful. She probably knew. Is it concern? I do not believe so. She must have know. It occurs to me. I have used her given name.</p><p>I say it again. “Asuka. I do not think I was made to last longer than I was needed. Please do not cry.” I say this and she continues to hold me. “Dammit, wonder girl, just because Gendo’s gone doesn’t mean we don’t need you anymore.” She said. I do not understand. I want to tell her this but before I even know how to say it she continues. “I need you, Rei!”</p><p>I do not want to die. I cannot be replaced.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. There You Will Find The Hidden Stone</h2></a>
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    <p>I can still remember the first time I returned.</p><p>I woke up in a room much like this. There was a sensation in my nose and lungs that burned me. Hurting, everywhere. Hurting in my heart and in my mind. My neck. I still feel my neck. Her hands. Commander Ikari and Subcommander Fuyutsuki were there. They were both so concerned. So much was missing. I still remember asking them why Doctor Akagi punished me. The Subcommander wept. I knew I should feel something but I did not remember how. I still remember feeling that I did not know what to feel or how. It was. It was.</p><p>I believe Commander Ikari did not leave my side for many weeks afterwards. I believe he had hoped that when I returned, I might be more like Ikari Yui. I believe he had hoped that the pieces they stole from me and placed within the machine might be filled with pieces of her. A desperate hope. Desperate. Only a hurt and desperate soul could tear a mind apart in that way. The hurting pieces, taken and reforged. Forced to fit. Placed back inside. I do not know if anything of Ikari Yui remains. Want to believe, despite all the pain he caused, that Commander Ikari is somewhere with her. I do not believe he is. I do not believe she is.</p><p>It is night. My hand. Between the tubes and needles, Soryu’s hand has found mine. Clenching. Tightly. Desperately. What is this feeling? Our hands rest on her jacket. I am sure it is ruined. I am sure it smells like stale wounds and sickness. I turn my head and see her reclined in the seat next to my bed. Her blue eyes hidden by closed eyelids, her chest rhythmically rising and falling, almost imperceptibly. She and I are so much alike in so many ways. She acts in all the ways I wish that I could. I wonder if she realizes that. I wonder how else we might be alike. </p><p>I place my other hand upon hers. It is warm. So much warmer. Warmer than. Why am I so cold? I do not. I do not. My mind drifts and I am back in the entry plug. Sync ratios. The other me, the fractured and stolen part forcing herself back into my mind. She wants to stay. It hurts so much. There is no room and she forces herself inside. It hurts with love and with longing. A fractured being wanting only reunion. Wanting only to be known and held and loved. How long had she been in the machine before the first sync test? How long had she been alone and trapped and scared? Incomplete: a shattered mind floating in codebase and the bastard flesh? A thousand painful nothings. Needles and glass do not belong in a mind. Did Asuka feel? Was piloting like this for her? Hideous. So hideous. You can only get used to it or else you will be subsumed. Replaced. Recycled. Unwanted. Broken. Broken.</p><p>I return and there are tears. Falling down my cheek. Tears. They fall onto my hand. They fall onto Asuka’s hand. She is so much kinder now. She cares so much. A part of me knows why she cares. Why will this part of me not tell? Buried, and I cannot dig. I want to tell her all the things I do not know. I cannot return anymore, but I am beginning to realize why I came back one final time. My grip is tight. Very tight. I look up to ensure I am not harming my friend. There is only a soft smile on her face. </p><p>Soryu. Asuka. </p><p>We will leave this place soon. When we do, I believe I want to spend my time with her.</p>
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